God Damn Dougnut Holes

When I was talking to Sophie, the subject of doughnut holes came up. Don’t ask how, but it found its way in. Now, I’m not talking about the holes themselves, I’m talking about the dough balls covered in glazed icing that claim to be doughnut holes… you know the ones? You can buy them in supermarkets in plastic tubs containing usually about 15 or 20 of them.

I never batted an eyelid to these before. Well, I ate them, but never questioned their name. Let us start with the term ‘hole’ used in the name. This implies to me they are selling holes… which as we all know- are nothing. So, this means one of 3 things.

1. They are misleading customers, giving them false information.
2. Someone has invented a portable hole, finally. And yet its primary use is food?! No way man, I can think of many better places to put an instant hole.
3. Morrison’s have developed a way of making you pay for less than you came in with, subsequently making everyone die of internal bleeding after making their customers eat small holes.

Secondly, I don’t know if you knew, but the whole concept of these so called ‘doughnut holes’ is that they are the bits of a ring doughnut that don’t get used, so are sold separately. This is farcical!

This gives the impression to consumers that doughnuts are produced in the same way as polos, whereby a machine punches a hole through a thick disc to make the finished product. This is of course absurd. A doughnut is simply a roll of dough joined at both ends, then baked and iced. ‘Doughnut holes’ have nothing to do with doughnuts, and are simply balls of glazed dough made by idiots who either lack the skill or can’t be arsed to make a real doughnut. So essentially, Doughnut hole manufacturers are the baking equivalent of identity frauds. They should sort their lives out and learn to make a doughnut like real men do.

This kind of fraudulent, heretical behaviour would not be seen in a good bakery, oh no. You really think that master bakers waste any dough by gathering up non-existent holes that were made as a by-product of doughnuts? No! Why? Because they have dignity and respect, that’s why.

Once again, perhaps this is one of those posts where I have thought too deeply about something trivial. I’ll leave that for you to decide- am I mad … or right.