This isn't a fork

Everyone has their things that really wind them up. I personally have a fair number of 'pet peeves' as they are known. I mean to begin with I cannot stand poor spelling, listening to teenage girls (like 15 and below) talk about things on the bus, excessive makeup like loads of that foundation stuff, poor manners... I could go on, but this would just go on forever and it wouldn't be fun for anyone.

A relative newcomer to my list of hates, is forks. Or no actually, forks are fine. Its the things that pretend to be forks that are in question. Ages ago, I watched an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory'. I don't think I need to explain what that show is.

 Anyway, in one scene, Leonard says something like "can you pass me that fork?"
To which Sheldon replies, "that is not a fork, that is a trident. A fork has FOUR tines, not three."

And you know what, he was right. Since he said that, I have become increasingly frustrated with all these tridents that people keep giving me to eat with. I know its petty, but I can't unrealise what has been realised.

What I like the most about forks is the word 'tine'. A lot of people call it a prong, but tine is the real word and sounds a lot better. I know there has to be a word for every part of every thing, but I am just glad that tine works so well. Definitely up there with my favourite words. (such as moot, and egregious) 

The rest of the fork world have got it right, across the board! For example:

The standard, metal, dinner fork.

This is a very common fork, and often the one which usually gets replaced with a trident in the home. Note: 4 tines. I think we can agree that 4 is a fork, 3 is a trident, and 2 or 1 is just a skewer or something. I wouldn't eat with just 2 tines, thats half the fun gone.

The plastic, disposable fork. Once again, 4 tines, even though its cheap and you can throw it away.

The spork! What a fantastic piece of cutlery. And because it is half spoon half fork (not half trident) even IT has 4 tines.

I tell you another thing, even the gardening department have got the right number of tines for their 'pitchfork'. Fun fact: the word fork is derivation from the Latin 'furca', which literally means pitchfork.

And finally, look at this. This is the bastard that winds me up. The 3 tined fork. Oh wait no, its not, is it. It just doesn't look right and it feels weird to eat with. For forks sake. Or for tridents sake or whatever.

"BANBNA" comes comfortably third

Yesterday was pretty interesting, I attended my first session of 'secret training' with South Devon AC. From what I can gather, this group usually includes the likes of Dent and Mac (amongst a few others) and is mostly based around building up one's pace and speed training. We went through what I can only describe as a 'gruelling' 4 x 1000m session against the clock.

I personally don't mind 1000m reps. But when I have James Dent breathing down my neck for 990m it becomes a slightly different story. After the third repetition, I said to Mac:

"Here's a good metaphor for you- you know those new seasoning bags which have like chicken and seasoning in, the ones where you have to shake them up? My entire abdomen feels like one of those."

After the 4th repetition, I added:

"...remember the metaphor from before? Now there are some stones in the bag too."

 But hey ho, you put in what you get out. Despite Dent's collar bone injury (as a result of taking off a sweater too vigorously) he still put me well through my paces. Hopefully I gave him a rabbit to chase too. So yeah, good training session.

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In the evening I went to Anna's house to catch up with some of my old friends. We played various Wii games, need I mention the appearance of 'Just Dance 3'... It appeared to be one of those games which would either sink or swim for me. At first everyone wanted to play, but nobody wanted to go first. After the first tentative few games it all got competitive and hilarious! My personal favourite was 'This is Halloween', where I got to play the part of a pumpkin.

The next game we decided to play was something called "Family Party". Needless to say by both the title and cover, this game looked to be absolute horse shit.

However, we made it fun. At the beginning we had the option of writing our names and choosing our characters.
To add a modicum of fun and unpredictability, we banned the use of any corrections on spelling mistakes to the names. As you know, it is difficult to type a name on a screen with a pointer from the Wii remote. And so, we ended up with the following character names.

ADAM = AAADD
RACHEL = RRACHE
JIMMY = JINMY

and my personal favourite,

ANNA =BANBNA

Well this game was essentially a series of mini games with somewhat basic controlling methods. Often the games were strikingly similar to games that have appeared on 'Takeshi's Castle', so you get the idea.

One of the more amusing aspects of the game was the character choices. As the name suggests, it is a family game. So of course, you have the option to be a dad, mum, boy girl, grandpa, grandma etc... Once again my personal favourite was BANBNA, as it was amusing to see a grandpa doing well on an obstacle course. Although for some members of the group, the only obstacle seemed to be their inability to understand the controls... (anna.... fiona... to an extent also, me...)

As a result, when sharing BANBNA between me and anna, we came comfortably third out of four on most occasions. And besides, who knew trying to cut a fake log could be so exhilarating.

Finally, we (tried) to play Sonic and Mario at the Olympic games. First of all, I was both bothered and disturbed that it was possible at all for Mario (a fat italian plumber) to beat Sonic the hedgehog (quoted in his TV series theme song as being 'the fastest thing alive') in a test of speed- I'll just make that point and leave it.

Anyway, we got on with the tournament. But after 8 rounds of Archery, 1 race, and 8 rounds of 'clay pigeon shooting' we soon tired of the concept. In Anna's words, "...clay pigeon shooting is 'wank'".

I can only agree.

My Appearance on BBC Radio Devon

Well today was certainly an interesting day. Today, I sang live on the BBC for Radio Devon as a solo artist!

The day started off for me at 6:30am. I deliberately had no breakfast to keep my throat clear for singing later, and paid for it all the way until lunch time, but it did work so it was worth it.

I have found in the past that the main culprits for spoiling a perfectly good voice for singing are things like milk, bread, (too much) beer, and a dark horse: water. People have always said drink plenty of water, but I think sometimes people overthink it and drink too much cold water to prepare, but it just freezes your voice and you can't sing any load notes.

I poked my head out the door at 6:45 and it was blowing an absolute gale and pouring with rain. What a wonderful start to the day, I thought. So after swiftly wolfing doing my breakfast of air, I exited the building to head to the bus stop. I caught the X80 bus in the wind and rain all the way through to plymouth, which is where the Radio Station is based.

I had originally intended to play my new game on the Nintendo DS, Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks, on the bus. However, I soon realised this was going to be impossible, as the sheer force of the wind and weather was giving the driver a lot of trouble when we were going at speed. It felt like we were just being being pummelled in a destruction derby on the motorway.

The game itself gives you the option of marking your quest map with the stylus to aid you in remembering things like which stairs lead where, where not to go, where you have already been, and where the chests are. What you see below on the left is a screenshot of how useful that can be. On the right, what it was like trying to do that on the bus...

Aside from that, I got to BBC Radio Devon and settled down nicely. We had a few mad minutes of errors and technical hitches, (mostly things that should have been simple but turned out that they weren't) but amazingly the producer and JG kept the listeners blissfully unaware. One such surprising error was the toll the weather seemed to be taking on the poor old Radio Devon building...

If only I had got a picture or something. While the engineer was trying to fix a technical problem with the producers computer, we heard what sounded like someone emptying a bucket of water in the next room.. We peered through the door, and the ceiling in the adjacent room was literally pouring with water. This is basically what it looked like.

The producer was like 'That better not be a toilet', but (fortunately?!) it turned out that the rain was coming in. Fair play to them though, maintenance was on the case in about 10 seconds.

After all that, the weather died down and the whole show went smoothly, including my live performances (I hope/ think). Everyone at Radio Devon seemed pretty cool and I look forward to seeing them again.

Introducing Beat Magnets

As I mentioned before, I was fully intending on staying in a band with James and G. And so, after much searching, we ended up with a bass player and a drummer so we could form a band again and rock people's socks. Only having had a few practices so far, we are already sounding pretty good and also already have our first gig booked in Reading.
Allow me to introduce first of all, Pearce (right):

Pearce has been in a bunch of bands before and has a great knowledge of the good places to play in Reading. His list of contacts seems endless and he was a massive help in finding us a place to practice and organising the first gig. Oh yeah, and he plays bass pretty awesome too.

Our new drummer is James 'Smithy' Smith.

Hailing from Slough, he shows the commitment of driving in to practice each time. He brings a whole new sound to the band and is an all round cool guy and enthusiastic player!

As for the name, 'Beat Magnets'... well there was a large debate as to what to call the band. We had to choose something that we all like and eventually settled on it. It is pretty catchy and sounds nice and bandy. So to round this post off, here is us, practicing the RATP favourite, (which we are carrying into the new band) STOMP!

So watch out Reading... here we come!

JD is reborn... as himself

When I first started this blog nearly 4 years ago, I always knew and hoped it would become a lookthrough of my life. It is weird to think that I was only a 17 year old back then, and now this year I celebrate my 21st birthday.

Anyway, followers of this blog will know that the last post was me signing off for the last time in my house in Devon, greatly anticipating my journey into the world of university again. Well, I thought it might be interesting to see how many of my short and long term goals that I wrote down have actually panned out.

Continue Running as my chosen sport: Yes, and No. Although it took me a few weeks, I did join Reading Road Runners, and it was great. However, I soon injured my knee in a track session. Unfortunately, even though I waited long enough for it to heal, it just hasn't quite gone away. I want to run, but its hard when your knee aches. Hopefully it will go away and I can get back to how I want.

Actually finish the course: Well so far, so good. I'm still there! I have met great friends on my course and it has been a blast. Sometimes challenging, but nothing I can't handle- this course is right up my street in terms of what I want to do in life. Now I can't wait to get into the classroom!

I'd like to meet a nice girl. I say no more: ... ... Meet a nice girl? Sure, I have met a bunch. A lot of them are lovely, but my heart hasn't been in it and it just didn't feel how I wanted it to. I began to think I was being too picky, but as a wise man once said, 'you can't help how you feel'. But.... there is this one incredible girl who makes me feel like I never have before. Will it ever work out? No. So that wise man can go f*** himself.

Join the Real Ale Society: Yes, I did that. There are some really cool people there, and I had a great time homebrewing with them just before christmas. Can't wait to drink it when I go back! I even have an Ale society sweater with my name on it!

Keep Juggling: I can still juggle, but it has taken a back seat with everything else going on. I think I should make more of an effort to show up to juggling practice in future, maybe I'll meet some cool people there.

Organise my underwear and socks better than last year: ... As I am typing this, I am wearing odd socks and have been for the vast majority of first term.

Possibly start a quote board: No, I didn't do that in the end. But we do have a 'chunder chart' and a wall of boobs from one of the lads magazines... I had no part in that one.

Continue to be a musician in every way: YES. A million times yes. I'll explain the new band later, but I still play the accordion and I am determined to finally crack playing funk piano. Stuff like this...

The Musings of a Man about to leave.

 On Sunday, I move away up to Reading University for my second crack at being a useful academic individual. This is more than likely going to be the last post from my house in Sunny (for the time being) (it won't last) Devon.

Looking around me, I'm squished into the back room of my house in Paignton, totally surrounded by my miscellaneous worldy belongings, and my best friend the piano. Among these scattered tokens of my personality are:

• Cutlery
• An accordion
• A crapload of clothes
• A whole box of just Pokemon gaming stuff
• A PS1, and random awesome games (nostalgia!!)
• A keytar
• Wires. Just a load of rather useful wires that are no doubt already tangled up
• A case of Juggling equipment and of course the ol' one wheel bike

I could go on for more, but I feel I would detract away from the point of this post, which I can assure you was not just to write a list of "things I own"...

I feel mentally and physically prepared this time. Mentally, I have an idea of what it will be like, and I'm about prepared to give up living at home and working in the local wetherspoon. Physically... well I'm about as fit I was last time (not that it made a difference) and there have been advances in the alcohol processing of my liver and my palette for real ale and fortified red wines. I have also added a modicum of ridiculousness in the form of hair dye to my otherwise boring blonde hair. ...So I stand in good stead. 

I think I am a more grown up person than I was last time. Less naive perhaps for good reason, but that doesn't mean you won't catch me in  freshers week "rather inebriated" and looking "potentially embarrassing" in any manner of downright farcical garments that will theoretically make up a themed costume. 

I do however have a considerably more sizeable list of short and long term goals this time around. I thought it would be amusing to take note of them before I hopefully don't fail at all of them:

• Continue running as my chosen sport. I went to Bath University rather fit from all the competitive road racing and years of training, but kicked that in the arse as soon as I got there and lost all my fitness. I struggled when I came back to training, regrettably. Its taken me a year of hard work to get back to where I was 2 years ago, and I'm committed to not letting it slide this time. SO TAKE NOTE, I intend to Join "Reading Road Runners", train with them, and race well.
• Actually finish the course. I know its a no-brainer, but lets face it, I didn't go to University the first time around with the intention of NOT ACTUALLY GRADUATING and ducking out after a year. This fact is not going to make me work any harder than I did before, because that wasn't the problem. I worked my poor brain into the ground and came out with incredibly poor results that were both understandable, given my lack of understanding of mathematics, and very demoralising.
• I'd like to meet a nice girl. I say no more. Rather unsurprisingly, living at home and working for wetherspoons lands you with a theoretical dust bowl for meeting new people .Also, its Devon. A lot of people are here to retire, not to find boyfriends or anything like that. My last experience of University in that respect was rather jaded, as I had the proverbial shackles of a relationship back home on the go. These shackles were by no means shackling, as in unenjoyable, but nonetheless I shared no part in mixing with new people on anything other than a friendship level. Time passes and I'm used to being a singularity again and have been for a while. Maybe University will change things up. Make no mistake, I'm not going looking, but I won't have my eyes shut either.

Well that was deep. And now to lighten the mood, a list of considerably more pointless short term goals:

• Join the Real Ale Society. Now my interest is rooted, I see no reason to not join a club and meet like minded people.
• Keep juggling! Yes, well... keep juggling and learning amusing circus tricks I guess. Its fun.
• Organise my underwear and socks better than last year.
• Get a cupboard in the kitchen early so I don't end up under the sink again
• Possibly start a quote board, that was fun.
• Continue to be a musician in every way. All the way from trying not to be a philistine about metal, walking around in a bowler hat, to continuing to be in a kickass band with James and G. 

I think thats about it. Sorry about no pictures. The camera is packed! but I will just open my picture file and find a random one thats quite funny. And post it below. Lets see....

AHA! Raccoons. There you go.

Entirely illegible for all the wrong reasons.

Its all kicking off now in the world of Jamie Duffield. University is around the corner and matters like finance and enrolment are stacking up like some sort of playground pile-on game. On top of that, (pun intended) I recently received my reading list and required study books list from my course tutor.

I'm not sure whether this is better or worse that when I was at Bath University, because with Bath, I only needed one book. It weighed about 15 tonnes and cost £50. Carrying it around was impossible, and one could forseeably render a burglar unconscious with a blow to the head from the book itself (assuming you could lift it).

However, this time around, my book list consists of a total of at least 8 publications... Luckily, I was smart about this and proceeded to order them all second hand from amazon for a total of £68. Combined, they probably weigh about the same as my old chemistry book, but I digress.

Some of you may be wondering about the seemingly ambiguous title once again.

Some of you may be under the notion that you have already figured out how the title relates to the post.

Perhaps the reason the title contains connotations that suggest the books I have purchased are illegible, points towards the fact the books are second hand?

Well you are wrong. The books are in near perfect condition. And yet the one I have started to read through is, as a matter of fact, almost illegible. Allow me to explain in further detail, for I am sure you are all "enthralled".

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Those of you who know me may be aware of the fact that I take pride in what I deem "a fairly extensive vocabulary and comparative knowledge of spellings and meanings". In short, I like to thing I know a lot of words and how they are spelled. This means I rarely have trouble reading books that include long words and replicating them in my own essays/ writing etc.

However this book just takes the piss! It stands as the only book I have EVER needed to read coupled with a dictionary that I have to keep persistently referring to!

The book is an anthology/ introduction to modern art and modernism, which bangs on about artists that were at the forefront and whines about how most art critics are wrong for trying to define anything. I can tell you that although it isn't boring, it is nigh impossible to understand... Such words have come up like:

• Verisimilitude- when something bears little believability or likeness
• Bourgeois- middle class or standard in origin
• Acquiescence- acceptance without protest
• Daguerreotype- an early photograph taken with and Iodine-sensitised silver plate and mercury vapor
• Avantgardism- in artistic terms, when someone is at the forefront of awesomeness and everyone is following them in the style they work in
• Obfuscation- to cloud, mix up or bewilder a system of ideas
• Esoteric- to be intended for, or only really going to be understood by people who know what they are talking about

Believe it or not, this selection of words comes not from the whole book, or even the 20 odd pages I have read so far... Alas, it comes from a paragraph consisting of about 10 lines. 

....

I guess I need to up my game! 

What I find interesting, is that if you look at the last definition I listed, you will see that I have been trying to explain that this book is COMPLETELY ESOTERIC.